The Ugly Baby

You have just found out that a friend (or partner’s friend) has just had a baby.  Aww how sweet?  Or is it?

We all know when a baby is born they, more often than not, look like a 70 year old version of themselves.  Aww, not so sweet now!

The inevitable photo is circulated, or uploaded onto social media, but the baby is not so sweet; oh no, it’s an ugly baby!

If you, like me, find it difficult to hide most of your thoughts and feelings as they are often penned in black permanent marker across your face for all to see.  Here’s a few do’s and don’ts when faced with an ugly baby.

Do – Find out (in advance) the sex of the baby.  You don’t want to rush in with praise for their baby boy when in fact it is a girl.  Remember, this is an ugly baby so looks will definitely be deceiving.

Do – Offer some kind of praise and complement for the new-born.  I usually find saying ‘awwwwwwww’ helps.  This is an open ended complement which can have a number of meanings; the main one is in sympathy for the parents.  But it works all the same.

Do – Take a gift, yes a gift!  Most men (me included) wouldn’t bother if it wasn’t for pressure from a partner.  It doesn’t have to be anything expensive; it can be a small token.  At least you have something to talk about if you are afraid to say anything about the baby

Don’t – Stare.  This is a big no no; the longer you stare the more likely your true thoughts will start to display on your face

Don’t – Act startled, point, laugh or say, ‘Oh’.  These are sure to get you in a little trouble, if not with the new parents at least with your partner.

Don’t – Refer to the new-born as ‘it’.  Once you know the sex make sure you use the correct term e.g. he or she

Don’t – Pick out specific features.  Unless you are really good friends with the parents and understand each other’s humour.  Commenting on ear size, eye alignment or hair colour should be avoided as it is only going to end one way. 

There are many more things that can be done to lessen the impact of coming face to face with an ugly baby, but I am sure that these small tips will help you survive, at least the first visit.  After that… Good Luck!